Category: Uncategorized

Irene invited me to meet her and Philias on the South Bank but I’m anxious about people not following social distancing rules on narrow pathways. I’ve started extending an arm when people run past me too close or when people are approaching from the opposite direction on a narrow walkway. That makes me feel more in control but also likelier to spur conflict. Village life seems more and more appealing. But only if I can continue virtual socials with distant pals–if everyone else goes back to in-person gatherings and I’m out there on my own I will be really lonely. I could just take up online gaming and make friends that way. Or stay in the city and give up on distancing. But that still leaves The Highway (fixable by moving to another part of London) and the helicopters (no fix in London.)

Helicopters galore last night: two Chinooks while we were playing board games, one ordinary copter, one later at night circling and circling and circling. 

My usual chaotic start to the morning after a helicopter hovered overhead for what seemed like hours but what was probably only 40 minutes or so around midnight. They seemed to be over Whitechapel and they weren’t moving around enough to be the air ambulance. I thought maybe they were looking for a drowning in Shadwell Basin but they weren’t close enough. When I went to check I saw the fishermen of Shadwell basin having a fire on the far shore where the trees are. They’ve been out there ceaselessly since Sunday when some of the restrictions lifted. Those fish must be disgusting so they can’t be catching them for food. I often think they must be running from something, these men eternally at the basin side. Probably better for their wives and children that they’re here, squabbling like gulls, rather than home, where I can only imagine their excess energy gets used more destructively. Is it unfair to assume that of them? They just seem so unconcerned with how much they’re blocking the path when they venture out of from their small wooded area, with how their voices carry, with the litter they leave. They have that very masculine capacity for taking up all the space. I welcomed the lockdown order for sending them away and I can’t say I’m delighted to see them back again. I think the helicopter is back–perhaps a fire? They can’t be shooting a movie. I wonder. Today’s going to be a long day. Nice note from my old boss. I don’t know how to answer his question about how work is going–well and badly at the same time but I don’t want to bore him with a long story. Definitely still a helicopter. This can’t be good.

My heart feels heavy. I had been coping with the stay at home order but now, this week, feels difficult. I feel unworthy, undeserving, unsuccessful: I feel like a child who wants cared for by a higher authority, overexposed and underresourced. Perhaps time to look at my own coaching resources about how to move back into adult state. But perhaps recognizing it’s there when I need it (at work, when I need to be “on”) and taking extra recovery time right now is part of being okay–is okay.

Dad’s birthday yesterday. Nice call with him. Poor guy, he does love a party so lockdown will be getting to him. But Mom made him a lovely–really beautiful–pineapple upside down cake and they had a chicken to roast. I miss them. Not like I’d be seeing them before Christmas anyway but with the airline industry on the rocks I don’t know when I will see them in person next: Christmas might not even be possible this year. Mom’s uncle died, and Aunt May is in hospice now. So mortality is on all our minds. But it’s only May, and a songbird is trilling outside my window. Look to today, rather than an imagined future.