Uncategorized – Page 3 – Pelican Stairs

4 August 2020

Full moon last night. Stayed up to watch it emerge from some persistently slow moving storm clouds just before 11. Went for a late walk after the conference and all the mudlarks were out combing the shore with headlamps. Full moon low tide must draw them. I was upset when I tried to see the moon and it was behind the clouds: I didn’t want to sit up too long because of this stupid early meeting for a client and I was feeling very resentful of work’s intrusion into my life, my natural inclination to want to watch the moon, resentful of the intrusion of this early start and these stretched out days and my stuff getting spiked and our work getting mangled. Everything feels like a big black cloud between me and my real goals for myself. I feel obscured–it feels obscured from me by all this STUFF. But then I thought, the moon is still there–the cloud can’t take that away. And I did sit up for a bit and wait for the cloud to pass. And then I felt better.

August, Uncategorized

3 August 2020

Nice to see Daphne yesterday though I feel awkward about meeting people in person nowadays–it’s too intensive–takes all one’s energy and concentration. I’m so used to short bursts of video calling or having time between written messages to reply. Found it hard to concentrate and respond properly. Or to give her a proper turn when speaking: I found myself doing the conversational sin of waiting for her to stop talking to reply.

August, Uncategorized

2 August 2020

Found my first piece of green-glazed pottery on the Thames foreshore. Forgot I had a pocketful from my walk to Limehouse the other night. Meeting Daphne for picnic today. Hopefully not too crowded to walk out there. Local lockdowns starting again in Birmingham–announced just before Eid. Many people think this stemmed from racism rather than data-led policy. And now we’re all wondering “where next?”

August, Uncategorized

1 August 2020

Picnic with Kellens yesterday in the grassy area in front of their house: Helen unable to settle because James kept running into the road. Spiky thorns everywhere and fruit from the thorn tree dropped on us. James stepped in, then rolled a ball over, his mother’s plate. Wind blew an empty toilet roll onto us. Pete stepped on one of the spiny branches and failed to catch James running into the street to Helen’s dismay. Rohan became enthralled with a ‘tame’ fox who’s been visiting their neighbourhood and apparently stole some shoes from inside the house. The neighbour child Holly has been feeding it, evidently. Not a very relaxing experience but they seemed delighted for me about Edinburgh. Helen said she’d consider it as one of the few places outside London she’d be willing to live.

July, Uncategorized

30 July 2020

Thrown into a fit of nostalgia by being reminded of Trogdor the Dragon from Homestar Runner. The world was a simpler and more fun place back then–at least my world was. One of the distinguishing features of now is recognizing whose safety and comfort is sacrificed for me to feel safe, comfortable and entertained. The world wasn’t simpler for everyone back then. (I suppose technically it was, what with the current rise of fascism–Trump now openly saying he wants to delay the election. But I imagine for some communities the struggle was just as hard back then as it is now.)

July, Uncategorized

27 July 2020

I’m not active enough in the day–physically–to make sleep come easily at night. Bad cycle: stay up late, sleep in, go to bed not tired, active on phone or reading, turn out light late, brain still active so don’t sleep right away, tired when waking…continues. There’s too much crisis news out there even now–and we’re certainly going to get more in the coming weeks–to feel like we’re getting back to normal. We can’t all operate in crisis mode forever: something has to give. And the world needs to look different than it did before, not the same. I want a slower and less demanding world. I want a green recovery. I want less worry, more time for exercise and cooking. More creative writing. Fewer PowerPoints. I want the northern lights over the sea. Can it be possible to only exchange the bad things I don’t want (competitiveness, status seeking, insecurity, manipulativeness, inequality) for those things? I don’t know.

July, Uncategorized

24 July 2020

I feel…languid and unable to concentrate on things. I feel time is slipping away and my creative contributions are little or none. Sometimes I feel like a passive couch potato. But I think also that my job is hard and I need a brain break, and right now the news everywhere is overwhelming. Pandemic. Political corruption. Climate change. Unmarked federal agents arresting US citizens and bundling them in unmarked vans. Economic inequality on the rise; economic collapse pretty imminent. All creative fodder yes but also…too much. All too much to coherently let my voice be heard. What do I have to say that anyone wants to listen to anyway?

July, Uncategorized

23 July 2020

Visited the Waterman Way apartment yesterday. Thought it would be a small self-contained house but the corner it transpires is a block of flats. Too tiny to live and work in. No. None of the other Wapping flats I’ve seen remotely appeal–need to move. Edinburgh it is. My God, what work there is before me. I hate moving. And I fear for the future result of this decision. But it’s time, time for a change.

July, Uncategorized

21 July 2020

Went for my daily walk around 8:30 PM yesterday, forgetting I was wearing a light summer dress & hadn’t shaved my legs in 5 months. I normally slip on some leggings or tights to spare the blushes of passersby when it’s cool enough (I certainly have gone out hairy legged before) but I’d forgotten to do so before leaving the house yesterday night. Doubtless the effect of my pickle martini after dinner. Tried to see comet Neowise last night but as far as I can tell it’s over a very light-polluted part of the city. Rising early to see it might be a better bet–but for me unlikely.

DigiFest, July, Uncategorized

18 July 2020

Work finally confirmed I can move anywhere in the UK without trouble from HR. Now the option is truly unfettered on the table do I really want to move to Edinburgh? Am I ready for a change of that magnitude? I don’t know, I don’t know. I always thought when I left London I’d take the time to do and see all the things I keep saying I’ll get round to and never do, lots of goodbye parties, visits to obscure museums, etc. But this would be me sneaking out like a thief in the night. Do I really want to move or am I just running away? I really won’t miss the Tube. Or planes, helicopters, and the Highway behind my bedroom. The coal-black dust that seeps in at the windows. But there are plenty of things I will miss: my friends. The light in this flat. My bigger-than-normal fridge. The view of Shadwell Basin. My hammock. Bookshelves.